I told him the Jays were a desperate bunch, which is cheddar cheese to a puppy dog in devil-speak

I told him the Jays were a desperate bunch, which is cheddar cheese to a puppy dog in devil-speak. Cheap Jacksonville Jaguars Jerseys . I gave him my hard sell. Cmon, buddy. Cmon, Sweet Lu. Our All Star-shortstop Jose Reyes, finally healthy, literally leads off the season by taking his first at bat, popping out, then proceeding to walk off the field and on to the disabled list. Maybe hes out for two weeks, maybe four months, maybe hes taking up painting. The team, left with a defence only Abbott and Costello could love, is even more desperate than when it was just known for jettisoning its best young talent for knuckleballers pushing 40 - he stopped me right there. He smiled deep and wide, his horns dewy with anticipation. He was ready to make a deal.Fine, I said. I will bypass my desires for fame or fortune or a game of wall ball with Lloyd Moseby and put my deal making skills to work for our boys in royal blue. So, fellow fan, you are welcome. Allow me to outline the exact details of how this season is going to go down (as hashed out between me and Mr. Three Prong, Son of Perdition).(Disclaimer: if you are planning to use this remarkably accurate information for gambling, I urge you to keep investing that extra money into lotto scratchers, lest we have a Back To The Future situation on our hands. APRIL (14-13 record, .519)The Jays whimper out of the gate, getting crushed on Opening Day, then lose 7 of 10, doing a bang-on impersonation of the mediocre team we thought they were. Thats when the cauldron bubbles and the thick smoke rolls in and the creepy carnival comes to town. What happens specifically? Maybe the entire Red Sox roster contracts syphilis. Maybe Derek Jeter becomes a clubhouse cancer in his final diva-tirade-filled season. Maybe Camden Yards becomes Marlo Stanfield turf. Maybe Tampa Bay management decides the empty cavern they play in would be better monetized by jai alai tournaments. Listen, I dont ask El Diablo how he gets stuff done, I just sit back and enjoy the results which Im assured come with no consequences. MAY (31-26, .544)Little known fact about devil-dealing: May is Buy One, Get One Free Month! Thats across the board, whether youre looking for life extension or to unravel the happiness of a sworn enemy. Why not do both?Truly, Beelzebub has little to do with the Blue Jay surge of May. The team plays a whopping 18 games at home, and with the city still suffering from an endless winter, the Rogers Centre roof is only opened once all month, a paralyzing condition visiting teams cannot physically handle (the technical term is "depression"). (Sidenote: I apologize for not asking The Crimson Sausage, Enemy Of Christ to improve the weather. The Cable Box on Blue Jay Way is the Bikram Yoga studio of stadiums.*) (*Bikram yoga is also known as hot yoga.**) (**Hot yoga is a thing you do when you are a 22-year-old girl or a thing you do when you are trying to impress a 22-year-old girl).JUNE (48-36, .571)Until mid-June, the league hadnt noticed the Jays ascension to the ranks of the privileged, largely because after twenty years spent ignoring someone, it is perfectly understandable that you might mistakenly walk past them in the hall and fail to notice the shotgun they are holding. But the Jays had now arrived, and their demands were going to be met, even if Barb in accounting didnt know their goddamn name. Josh Thole was gonna make sure you remember.We gotta give props to The Author Of All Sin, because he works the impossible this month. Jose Reyes is back in the lineup in time for his birthday (June 11) and his bobblehead day (June 8 for those fair weather fans planning to attend). To think, how many nasty critics said meaningful baseball would never be played in Toronto again in July?JULY (62-48, .564)With just a paltry nine home games on tap, our Blue Man Group must do their damage on the road, visiting Tampa Bay, New York and Boston. In a month-long celebration of Canada Day, our national baseball representatives do just that, proving Canadians to be fearless and capable. (Flipside: After witnessing the condition of our departing players hotel rooms, it is clear we Canucks may lack some respect for the environment. I believe the players call it, "doing it Harper-style").The All-Star break falls in July, an annual tradition typically partaken by Jose Bautista and a middle reliever nobody knew was on the team. 2014 proves to be no different despite being a dozen games over .500 at the break. Respect will have to be earned. FYI, did you wanna know who wins this years All-Star game, giving their respective League home field advantage in the World Series? Answer: NOBODY. Nobody [expletive] wins with a rule that stupid.AUGUST (79-57, .581)On August 11, Colby Rasmus turns 28. That same day, Melky Cabrera turns 30. The Prince Of Darkness promises me these achievements will be met and hes been totally standup so far.Playing every division rival at home this month, The Descendants of Alfredo Griffin enjoy their greatest month this century, forcing Vegas to recognize them as a team and set World Series odds. They are given 60-1 chances, though in metric it works out to a more sensible 18-1.(For those of you uncomfortable with how fashioned this season is by Oh Wicked One, Im not saying you have to worship the Father Of All Lies, Founder Of Murder. Im just saying, if youre a ball fan, you should probably send him a card. Maybe bath salts. Nothing fancy).SEPTEMBER (93-69, .574)A peculiar month of scheduling down the home stretch. Sensibly, the Jays visit every division rivals park. Oddly, they play the Chicago Cubs for an unknown reason my sources tell me may have involved money and bad judgement.2014 ends in a dog fight -- a climax of tension and emotion and games that are still a little too long -- all in the service of the Jays holding on for their first playoff appearance ever (in the lives of the children whose aging fathers drag them to the games). We did it! Were number 4 or 5!And there you have it: 93 wins. 1 wild card spot. 0 logical discrepancies. Is it getting hot in here?Gallays Poll #5Lets say we dont know what we know. With how many wins doth the Blue Jays finish?A) <70 -- I am familiar with the team. The win total will be commensurate with the talent level.B) 70-81 -- I dont pay much attention to the baseballs but have read a few headlines.C) 82-89 -- I rarely hear about the Jays anymore. Is Kelly Gruber still with the team?D) 90+ -- I dont understand how baseball works. Jaguars Jerseys China . PETERSBURG, Fla. Logan Cooke Jersey . 5 Trade Deadline is drawing closer and teams will be deciding on whether to buy or sell. http://www.cheapjaguarsjerseysauthentic.com/?tag=authentic-leon-jacobs-jersey . DArnaud hit one of three doubles for the Mets as they took a 4-0 lead in the first. Then the catchers seventh home run of the season broke the game open in the fifth. The 41-year-old Colon (10-8) retired the first 20 batters in his last outing Wednesday against Seattle, eventually allowing two runs on three hits in 7 1-3 innings in a 3-2 win.CLEVELAND -- Battered and bruised at quarterback, the Browns have gotten a little healthier. With Brandon Weeden and Jason Campbell recovering from concussions, Cleveland signed quarterback Caleb Hanie on Tuesday, giving coach Rob Chudzinski another option this week at New England. The Browns considered adding Hanie to their roster last week, but decided to sign Alex Tanney off Dallas practice squad. Tanney, perhaps best known for a trick-shot video on YouTube, backed up Weeden on Sunday against Jacksonville. Weeden was diagnosed with a concussion following the 32-28 loss to the Jaguars and is following the NFLs program for head injuries. Campbell, who sustained a concussion last week against Pittsburgh, has improved and is moving closer to being ready to play. Browns coach Rob Chudzinski said Monday that Campbell has been cleared for football activities but not yet for practice. Per league rules, Campbell must first be examined and cleared by an independent physician before he is permitted to return to the field. Campbell was injured when he was struck in the helmet on a blindside hit by Steelers cornerback William Gay, who wasnt penalized but was later fined $15,750 by the league. If Campbell and Weeden are healthy, Campbell would likely get the nod to start. Weeden passed for a career-high 370 yards against Jacksonville but he had two interceptions and a fumble in the final minutes of the first half and the Jaguars converted the three turnovers into 13 points. The two QBs may need more time to get well and Chudzinski may have to choose between Tanney and Hanie to face thhe Patriots (9-3) and coach Bill Belichick. Wholesale Jaguars Jerseys. Chudzinski may prefer Hanie because he has started four career regular-season games and has more experience than Tanney, who has played only in the exhibition season. Hanie spent four years backing up Jay Cutler in Chicago and was third on Denvers depth chart last season behind Peyton Manning and Brock Osweiler. The 28-year-old went 0-4 for the Bears in 2011, completing 51 of 102 passes for 613 yards with nine interceptions. Hanie was signed as a free agent by Baltimore in April and was with the club in training camp before he was released in August. Clevelands coaching staff will spend Tuesday putting together a game plan for the Browns, who have dropped three straight, six of seven and fallen from the playoff race. Its still not clear who will start at quarterback, but at least Chudzinski and his staff have two healthy alternatives in Hanie and Tanney. Its been another one of those seasons for the Browns, who cant seem to catch a break at quarterback. After Weeden was hurt in the teams second game, Brian Hoyer, who began the season as Clevelands No. 3 quarterback, led the team to consecutive wins over Minnesota and Cincinnati before his season-ending knee injury. Weeden has twice been benched and Campbell, the 20th different starter for the Browns since 1999, stabilized the position before he was injured. NOTES: The Browns placed linebacker Brandon Magee on injured reserve with a chest injury. He was hurt Sunday against Jacksonville. He appeared in eight games and recorded three special-teams tackles. 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